Day 37-38 The beginning

Day 37 Journal

I spent the day with my 2nd cousins, reconnecting with family. It was a beautiful thing. They are really cool and I had a fun time there. It was a mellow day of napping and hanging out in Paradise Valley. It was hot, but not horrible. As the sun set in Phoenix, I got on my bike and set out again. I rode all night through wind and cold… until I arrived in California again. I had a tail light out, which worked after I replaced a fuse and continued on through LA and up Highway 5… just before the sun came up, a truck cut me off and I had a piece of dust blow into my eye. I think I have a small cut in there, and it really hurts. 

Day 38 Journal

The morning of my 38th day on my quest, I rolled into the town I left from at 9:30 going right to my ex's business. 1600 miles over two days, and every part of my body hurt... I rode possessed with the idea that I had to be back... by the light of the blue moon I rode until my body about gave up. I stumbled into her business and stood staring at her face to face for the first time in almost six weeks. I fell into her arms and felt the life in my body slip a bit. Exhaustion, pain and uncertainty flooded through me and I almost broke. In her arms that morning I was remade. I suddenly felt strong again... like the purpose of my quest had been complete. We talked briefly... 

As I write this, a little over two weeks later, I realized that day that the man quest never ends. That the journey through space was the beginning and a symbol of change... but that the journey through life and beyond is a never-ending process. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions since returning, and have crashed repeatedly into the walls in my heart. 

The ride was the easy part... 

So I survived to ride again... to love again... to return to fight for what matters most in my life. In the quest I found the resolution of my purpose... but it is not easy. Just because it is fate, does not make it free. 

Day 35-36 The only easy day was yesterday

Day 35 Journal

Today is the day I was to ride into Colorado, with no apprehension on fear, I rode on into the state I was never supposed to leave. I stopped for a workout in Fort Collins and Dropped a 50lb weight on my foot. It hurt, bad. I am still not sure if the foot his broken… but alas, I continued on.

In Denver my bike wouldn’t start again, but I managed to fix it (sort of) I realized I needed a new air filter. So I made an appointment to have mine serviced at a local place. I got my oil changed while I was there and met up with a friend I met that day.

I got to his place early and we hung out and talked a lot of about psychology and philosophy. I had a really fun time hanging out with him. His girlfriend called a bit later and told him that I had to leave at 5am the next morning (when he left for work) because she was uncomfortable. It was really disappointing, because I had an 11am appointment for my air filter.

When she got home at 9pm, the three of us hung out for a bit and then went to bed. My friend's girlfriend and I stayed up and talked a lot about art, children and the mysteries of life. By the end of the conversation, I was allowed to stay as late as I wanted and invited to stay until the end of the week. I must have made a good impression. In any event, I went to bed on their couch…

The girl I love and I faced timed that night for the first time in a long time… I realized how much I missed her… made my heart ache so bad that I felt compelled to get home as fast as I could.

Day 36 journal:

Still not out of Colorado, I packed up in the morning and left, fully accepting that this could be my last day alive. I road out at 10:30 after I got my air filter serviced and said goodbye to my new friends.

I road through Red Rocks, outside of Denver heading West into the Rocky Mountains, and then South. The mountains were beautiful and I enjoyed my ride until it got cold and started to rain. I rode through 4 rain storms and many summits on my way through. 

Then the moment came, the one I had ridden fearlessly to meet. Coming down through the freezing rain in the mountains, a truck pulled out in front of me. I hit my breaks hard and began to slide... life or death in the balance, I laid down my bike. I slid to a stop short of being crushed and watched from my side as the truck pulled away, leaving me alone on the cold highway. 

I pulled myself from under my overloaded bike and tried to lift it off the highway... I couldn't It was facing downhill and I couldn't manage the strength to pull it out of the middle of the road. I calmed myself quickly and began unloading the entire thing as quickly as I could... fearing that any car or truck coming down the road wouldn't be able to stop in time and I would be dead. 

Angels were watching over me that day as I finished unloading and throwing my gear off the road so I could pull my bike up and move it over. No major damage, no major injuries... I loaded it back up in the rain on the side of the road. Fighting an overwhelming sense that every second beyond that moment is now time I wasn't supposed to have in this life. 

The ride afterwards was incredibly rough and, though amazingly beautiful, I flew through Colorado like a man possessed. I rode well into the night and stopped at Kayenta Arizona… where I was set upon by the Hopi people, begging for money. Feeling very uneasy, I continued on into the night until I got to Tuba city… where I was set upon again! I fed a homeless veteran there, who was clearly crazy… and talked to him a while, feeling nearly insane myself. We talked about life and death, I bought him a meal in the middle of the night just to have someone to connect to. The girl sent me a message asking if I was okay... I played it cool, before continuing in the dead of night.

I rode hard into the night through the cold of Flagstaff, watching an amazing thunder storm off in the distance, until I arrived in Phoenix at 2am, after 800 miles of riding. I found my cousin's house where his daughter left a key for me under the mat and I let myself in.. ate some food and fell asleep.

I didn’t die in Colorado after all…

Day 32-34: Signs

Day 32 journal

I have been on the road for one month now. A whole month away… it reminds me of when I went in 1998. Fun, productive, amazing adventure… and I have no desire to go back. As I watch the sunset at the ranch for the final time this year my heart breaks that I must leave.

I have decided to continue on with my quest, rather than return home… for another week at least. I think back to the person who told me that I would perish in the mountains of Colorado... and know what I have to do next; I will face Colorado and my destiny, to whatever end that may be. I feel as though I am at a crossroads in my life between deciding to live the adventure or return back to the life I knew… with neither answer being wrong.

I honestly don’t know, in a perfect version of each, which I would choose. I may not have the perfect option of either, but the knowledge that either one could be my reality, depending on what I choose; I makes me wonder what I want most from my life. Wife and children, happy at home… the life I came from. Or to move on, to live a life free of boundaries and chains… love and adventure on the road.

Is it a perfect ordinary life I lead, or is it the extraordinary?

Goodbye, Crazy M… thank you for all the gifts. When I next return I will have my answer.

Day 33-34 journal

I rode into Bozeman and I spent that night at my aunts and had a great time there. My cousin came by with some friends and her new boyfriend and he seemed really cool. They were all interesting and all really excited to meet me, the guy who was doing the impossible. J The next morning, I road out and sure enough my tire wasn’t in Bozeman, it was in Cody Wyoming. So I had breakfast with with my cousin at a small cafe and then hit the road. She has always been a really great friend to me and I am glad we had the time to catch up. She believes I am worth far more than even I give myself credit for. We shall see.

Upon arriving in Cody, I got my tire after my GPS tried to kill me. Ran out of gas, but made it otherwise unharmed. I sat in the place there a long time reflecting upon my quest and how far I’ve come. Also a lot about Colorado, where I was supposed to meet my tragic end…

In thermopolis, my bike wouldn’t start, and I got very frustrated. Engine flooded. I managed to figure it out and keep going. It was a hell of a first day back on the road.

Coming into Casper I rode through a thunderstorm, and saw the rainbow I asked my higher self for… it was beautiful and nice to know that my higher self was looking out for me.

When I arrived in Casper for the night, I found a little park to sleep in and noticed that my exhaust had burnt a hole into my saddle bag and destroyed some of my clothes. Among the casualties; my favorite socks, my favorite shirt and my silk riding shirt. L Sad day. 

Day 28-30: resolution

Day 28 journal

“Neither howling wind nor pouring rain, not blistered hands nor daunting pain

Neither frigid air nor burning sun, were my wheels gone I would fucking run

The thousand miles between our hearts, on this map only inches apart

Far as we are, know this to be true, every road that I wander leads back to you.”

I decided I am going to head out next week. My spiritual growth, complete here at the ranch. I will finish book 2 this week and maybe start on the next, after I get my tire mounted I will split. I don’t really want to head back necessarily, but I don’t want to stay anymore. The solitude is great, and productive, but I don’t feel as though I can grow here anymore. So it is time to go.

Day 30 journal

I finished the sequel to my first book yesterday. It’s good, very good. I have been getting great feedback  about my work. They love it, and I am pleased. J So I could be a writer for a living. I produce quality work very quickly and may as well enjoy the life I want.

So what to do? I mentioned 2 days ago that I am am leaving, but I really don’t want to go. I need to leave on Monday regardless, and will… that said, I may take a longer route home, I may not. I may go east, I may not. Who the hell knows? What I do know is, I love being at the ranch and living on the road. It’s awesomely fun.

I got an apartment I need to get going 3^rd week of September and need to be around to sign a life insurance agreement on the 5^th… so bleh. I kind of hate it. I want to sell books so I can keep traveling. It is what stimulates me. Motorcycle is awesome, RV would be awesome too… plane, train, whatever.

I am trying to get over this girl who I haven’t spoken to in a week now. It gets easier with no contact for sure… but I feel like it might snap back the minute we talk. I don’t know what it’s like for her right now, but us not talking is hard. I makes me think that maybe we’re done for good… or at least, for now.

Day 22-27: Hard days

Day 22 Journal

Three weeks gone by. I have covered a lot of ground. I am hopefully optimistic. My life is my own to choose and I choose extraordinary. Going to write a lot over the next few days, if it kills me.

Day 25 Journal

I spent the last three days writing feeling a little distracted by my own head. I had a good phone conversation with one of my cousins which made me feel good, and a few with a friend about SotP. I I haven’t spoken to the girl in a while and it has got me feeling very down. I don’t like that she still holds sway over my heart in a way.

Last night I sat up above lookout point, watching the sunset, feeling one with the world around me. Slowly the light faded away and the stars came out. When the night was full, I fell asleep. It was a beautiful night. Cold though. I had an amazing spiritual experience on this hill top... too personal to even write. It would be the catalyst for resolving my purpose (although I didn't know it at the time).

I talked to my ex's son today, apparently she went to her friend's birthday in Mexico for a week. I didn't know why she didn't tell me at the time that she was going... especially after contacting me so frequently on my friend. Later I would find out she went with someone... Although a part of me knew it then... she was moving on while I was fighting the memory. 

Day 27 08-20-2012

The days alone have been good and quiet. I have been writing a lot and filling out paperwork for an apartment I plan on getting when I eventually head back to Pville. I don’t know about the girl anymore… I think it might just be over between us. 

So what the future holds I do not know for me. I have been on this path now for almost four weeks, and I have come a long way. I have been writing a lot, and finding myself. I feel whole… just need to close the book on this last little chapter of my childhood. C’est la vie.

Day 20-21: Not the end

Day 20 journal

Windy day today. I ran 4 miles down to Ivars and back, that was fun. Had a great workout. Ready start progressing a lot again. Feeling motivated and all that jazz.

I finished my edit of The Three Kingdoms today. Not really sure what to do now that it’s almost 4pm. Don’t want to start SOTP2 until I get some feedback. Hate the idea of watching TV.

A little tired from staying up late too… maybe I will write after I eat dinner and just relax until then. Or read! I still want to finish that book.

89 pages in, a friend writes: "I felt like I did when I read the Hunger Games (fyi, your writing is A BILLION times better than her’s, but I’m comparing the way the story made me feel) – I couldn’t wait to get back to reading. " and "I’ve printed it out and read it like I usually read a Nabokov novel before bedtime. You have me enthralled. " and finally, "It's just your writing skills - some authors have a great story, but don't know how to get it across. Others know how to write, but don't have a decent story. You're able to slay both so far." Awesome compliments. I think I am gonna be rich and famous.

Day 21 journal

 

Not really a notable day. I ran, I worked out… had a good workout. I focused on writing a lot, got about 8200 words done on SOTP2. Didn’t talk much with anyone. A cousin of mine called me to say hi, that was nice. Ordered a tire too.

SOTP2 is coming along good, I feel a lot more confident with it.

Tired today, not sure why but my workout the last two days has been tough. Been really pushing myself though. Trying to eat better as I go. It’s a challenge.

Had the TV on for a bit today, but turned it back off. Don’t want to make that a habit. Need to stay focused. If I can finish SOTP2 by the 20^th (not impossible) I’ll be in good shape to get SOTP3 done by the time I leave the ranch. Not sure how distracting it will be when everyone else gets here, so I am dedicated to spending a lot of extra time on it.

I am trying to stay positive re: what will happen once I leave. I still don’t know where to go, further east? Settle down somewhere? Or do I go back to Pville? Or San Diego for that matter? Or, wherever. I feel like I can be anywhere and have it be the same… I am afraid to go back and have it not work out with the girl… Pville will drive me crazy then. So either I need to be totally over her when I go back or ready to fight fight fight.

Hard to say what will happen. 

Day 18-19 Spiritual awakening

Day 18 08-11-2012

I didn’t write much today. I spent a lot of time with with my 2nd cousin and his wife who will be gone in the morning. Going to miss them, it has been great having some company and reconnecting with family. Feeling kind of down that they are leaving.

Today I was focused and asked again for the name of the spirit that guides me and I got the full name.

I asked if it was a guide or my higher self, it is my higher self… my soul, my spirit guiding my body. I asked if it was an anagram for something and was told yes. he wouldn’t tell me what, so I figured it out. Made Aeon. Aeon being latin for “being” “life” “age” or “for eternity.” It fit quite well… my spirit chose a name that means “Made for eternity” I like that.

We connected and talked a bit today, he gave me a message to give to the girl which was, to write her intentions down, because it becomes one step closer to reality for a manifestation. I thought it was good advice. 

I did get a layout going for part 2 of my novel. Glad for that. Anyway, more reading then bed.

Day 19 08-12-2012

Today my higher self and I had some more conversations. I have questions for him too… need to really get good at the connection.

Talked to the girl this morning while I was having coffee. It was really great talking with her as usual. She commented that the advice that my higher self wanted to give her was the way that she manifested her business and so she’s been doing it. Proud of her. She is seeing signs already. J

I spent the day writing “The Three Kingdoms” it needs a lot of editing and help, but I did 16000 words today. Almost double what I have prior to now. Crazy how much I can write if I just do it all day. I am getting so good at this I can do something else, many other things actually, while I follow my thought flow onto paper. It’s getting easier.

My problem is that I want to go home to celebrate with the love of my life… but, you know? I don’t feel like I have a home to go back to. I feel sad about that. Not sure what to do about it… but I suppose, keep going the way I am going. Maybe I will manifest my home tomorrow.

So of my objectives for the man quest three are complete.

#1: Self discovery on the road, burying old baggage and resolving my failures. Check.

#2. Write a novel. Check.

#3. Become 100% self. Check.

Now just two novels to go, and resolving the feelings I have, one way or the other and I am done. If I write 15000 words a day, I can write those two novels in 10 days. How cool would that be? J