Day 37-38 The beginning

Day 37 Journal

I spent the day with my 2nd cousins, reconnecting with family. It was a beautiful thing. They are really cool and I had a fun time there. It was a mellow day of napping and hanging out in Paradise Valley. It was hot, but not horrible. As the sun set in Phoenix, I got on my bike and set out again. I rode all night through wind and cold… until I arrived in California again. I had a tail light out, which worked after I replaced a fuse and continued on through LA and up Highway 5… just before the sun came up, a truck cut me off and I had a piece of dust blow into my eye. I think I have a small cut in there, and it really hurts. 

Day 38 Journal

The morning of my 38th day on my quest, I rolled into the town I left from at 9:30 going right to my ex's business. 1600 miles over two days, and every part of my body hurt... I rode possessed with the idea that I had to be back... by the light of the blue moon I rode until my body about gave up. I stumbled into her business and stood staring at her face to face for the first time in almost six weeks. I fell into her arms and felt the life in my body slip a bit. Exhaustion, pain and uncertainty flooded through me and I almost broke. In her arms that morning I was remade. I suddenly felt strong again... like the purpose of my quest had been complete. We talked briefly... 

As I write this, a little over two weeks later, I realized that day that the man quest never ends. That the journey through space was the beginning and a symbol of change... but that the journey through life and beyond is a never-ending process. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions since returning, and have crashed repeatedly into the walls in my heart. 

The ride was the easy part... 

So I survived to ride again... to love again... to return to fight for what matters most in my life. In the quest I found the resolution of my purpose... but it is not easy. Just because it is fate, does not make it free. 

Day 35-36 The only easy day was yesterday

Day 35 Journal

Today is the day I was to ride into Colorado, with no apprehension on fear, I rode on into the state I was never supposed to leave. I stopped for a workout in Fort Collins and Dropped a 50lb weight on my foot. It hurt, bad. I am still not sure if the foot his broken… but alas, I continued on.

In Denver my bike wouldn’t start again, but I managed to fix it (sort of) I realized I needed a new air filter. So I made an appointment to have mine serviced at a local place. I got my oil changed while I was there and met up with a friend I met that day.

I got to his place early and we hung out and talked a lot of about psychology and philosophy. I had a really fun time hanging out with him. His girlfriend called a bit later and told him that I had to leave at 5am the next morning (when he left for work) because she was uncomfortable. It was really disappointing, because I had an 11am appointment for my air filter.

When she got home at 9pm, the three of us hung out for a bit and then went to bed. My friend's girlfriend and I stayed up and talked a lot about art, children and the mysteries of life. By the end of the conversation, I was allowed to stay as late as I wanted and invited to stay until the end of the week. I must have made a good impression. In any event, I went to bed on their couch…

The girl I love and I faced timed that night for the first time in a long time… I realized how much I missed her… made my heart ache so bad that I felt compelled to get home as fast as I could.

Day 36 journal:

Still not out of Colorado, I packed up in the morning and left, fully accepting that this could be my last day alive. I road out at 10:30 after I got my air filter serviced and said goodbye to my new friends.

I road through Red Rocks, outside of Denver heading West into the Rocky Mountains, and then South. The mountains were beautiful and I enjoyed my ride until it got cold and started to rain. I rode through 4 rain storms and many summits on my way through. 

Then the moment came, the one I had ridden fearlessly to meet. Coming down through the freezing rain in the mountains, a truck pulled out in front of me. I hit my breaks hard and began to slide... life or death in the balance, I laid down my bike. I slid to a stop short of being crushed and watched from my side as the truck pulled away, leaving me alone on the cold highway. 

I pulled myself from under my overloaded bike and tried to lift it off the highway... I couldn't It was facing downhill and I couldn't manage the strength to pull it out of the middle of the road. I calmed myself quickly and began unloading the entire thing as quickly as I could... fearing that any car or truck coming down the road wouldn't be able to stop in time and I would be dead. 

Angels were watching over me that day as I finished unloading and throwing my gear off the road so I could pull my bike up and move it over. No major damage, no major injuries... I loaded it back up in the rain on the side of the road. Fighting an overwhelming sense that every second beyond that moment is now time I wasn't supposed to have in this life. 

The ride afterwards was incredibly rough and, though amazingly beautiful, I flew through Colorado like a man possessed. I rode well into the night and stopped at Kayenta Arizona… where I was set upon by the Hopi people, begging for money. Feeling very uneasy, I continued on into the night until I got to Tuba city… where I was set upon again! I fed a homeless veteran there, who was clearly crazy… and talked to him a while, feeling nearly insane myself. We talked about life and death, I bought him a meal in the middle of the night just to have someone to connect to. The girl sent me a message asking if I was okay... I played it cool, before continuing in the dead of night.

I rode hard into the night through the cold of Flagstaff, watching an amazing thunder storm off in the distance, until I arrived in Phoenix at 2am, after 800 miles of riding. I found my cousin's house where his daughter left a key for me under the mat and I let myself in.. ate some food and fell asleep.

I didn’t die in Colorado after all…

Day 32-34: Signs

Day 32 journal

I have been on the road for one month now. A whole month away… it reminds me of when I went in 1998. Fun, productive, amazing adventure… and I have no desire to go back. As I watch the sunset at the ranch for the final time this year my heart breaks that I must leave.

I have decided to continue on with my quest, rather than return home… for another week at least. I think back to the person who told me that I would perish in the mountains of Colorado... and know what I have to do next; I will face Colorado and my destiny, to whatever end that may be. I feel as though I am at a crossroads in my life between deciding to live the adventure or return back to the life I knew… with neither answer being wrong.

I honestly don’t know, in a perfect version of each, which I would choose. I may not have the perfect option of either, but the knowledge that either one could be my reality, depending on what I choose; I makes me wonder what I want most from my life. Wife and children, happy at home… the life I came from. Or to move on, to live a life free of boundaries and chains… love and adventure on the road.

Is it a perfect ordinary life I lead, or is it the extraordinary?

Goodbye, Crazy M… thank you for all the gifts. When I next return I will have my answer.

Day 33-34 journal

I rode into Bozeman and I spent that night at my aunts and had a great time there. My cousin came by with some friends and her new boyfriend and he seemed really cool. They were all interesting and all really excited to meet me, the guy who was doing the impossible. J The next morning, I road out and sure enough my tire wasn’t in Bozeman, it was in Cody Wyoming. So I had breakfast with with my cousin at a small cafe and then hit the road. She has always been a really great friend to me and I am glad we had the time to catch up. She believes I am worth far more than even I give myself credit for. We shall see.

Upon arriving in Cody, I got my tire after my GPS tried to kill me. Ran out of gas, but made it otherwise unharmed. I sat in the place there a long time reflecting upon my quest and how far I’ve come. Also a lot about Colorado, where I was supposed to meet my tragic end…

In thermopolis, my bike wouldn’t start, and I got very frustrated. Engine flooded. I managed to figure it out and keep going. It was a hell of a first day back on the road.

Coming into Casper I rode through a thunderstorm, and saw the rainbow I asked my higher self for… it was beautiful and nice to know that my higher self was looking out for me.

When I arrived in Casper for the night, I found a little park to sleep in and noticed that my exhaust had burnt a hole into my saddle bag and destroyed some of my clothes. Among the casualties; my favorite socks, my favorite shirt and my silk riding shirt. L Sad day. 

Day 28-30: resolution

Day 28 journal

“Neither howling wind nor pouring rain, not blistered hands nor daunting pain

Neither frigid air nor burning sun, were my wheels gone I would fucking run

The thousand miles between our hearts, on this map only inches apart

Far as we are, know this to be true, every road that I wander leads back to you.”

I decided I am going to head out next week. My spiritual growth, complete here at the ranch. I will finish book 2 this week and maybe start on the next, after I get my tire mounted I will split. I don’t really want to head back necessarily, but I don’t want to stay anymore. The solitude is great, and productive, but I don’t feel as though I can grow here anymore. So it is time to go.

Day 30 journal

I finished the sequel to my first book yesterday. It’s good, very good. I have been getting great feedback  about my work. They love it, and I am pleased. J So I could be a writer for a living. I produce quality work very quickly and may as well enjoy the life I want.

So what to do? I mentioned 2 days ago that I am am leaving, but I really don’t want to go. I need to leave on Monday regardless, and will… that said, I may take a longer route home, I may not. I may go east, I may not. Who the hell knows? What I do know is, I love being at the ranch and living on the road. It’s awesomely fun.

I got an apartment I need to get going 3^rd week of September and need to be around to sign a life insurance agreement on the 5^th… so bleh. I kind of hate it. I want to sell books so I can keep traveling. It is what stimulates me. Motorcycle is awesome, RV would be awesome too… plane, train, whatever.

I am trying to get over this girl who I haven’t spoken to in a week now. It gets easier with no contact for sure… but I feel like it might snap back the minute we talk. I don’t know what it’s like for her right now, but us not talking is hard. I makes me think that maybe we’re done for good… or at least, for now.

Day 22-27: Hard days

Day 22 Journal

Three weeks gone by. I have covered a lot of ground. I am hopefully optimistic. My life is my own to choose and I choose extraordinary. Going to write a lot over the next few days, if it kills me.

Day 25 Journal

I spent the last three days writing feeling a little distracted by my own head. I had a good phone conversation with one of my cousins which made me feel good, and a few with a friend about SotP. I I haven’t spoken to the girl in a while and it has got me feeling very down. I don’t like that she still holds sway over my heart in a way.

Last night I sat up above lookout point, watching the sunset, feeling one with the world around me. Slowly the light faded away and the stars came out. When the night was full, I fell asleep. It was a beautiful night. Cold though. I had an amazing spiritual experience on this hill top... too personal to even write. It would be the catalyst for resolving my purpose (although I didn't know it at the time).

I talked to my ex's son today, apparently she went to her friend's birthday in Mexico for a week. I didn't know why she didn't tell me at the time that she was going... especially after contacting me so frequently on my friend. Later I would find out she went with someone... Although a part of me knew it then... she was moving on while I was fighting the memory. 

Day 27 08-20-2012

The days alone have been good and quiet. I have been writing a lot and filling out paperwork for an apartment I plan on getting when I eventually head back to Pville. I don’t know about the girl anymore… I think it might just be over between us. 

So what the future holds I do not know for me. I have been on this path now for almost four weeks, and I have come a long way. I have been writing a lot, and finding myself. I feel whole… just need to close the book on this last little chapter of my childhood. C’est la vie.

Day 20-21: Not the end

Day 20 journal

Windy day today. I ran 4 miles down to Ivars and back, that was fun. Had a great workout. Ready start progressing a lot again. Feeling motivated and all that jazz.

I finished my edit of The Three Kingdoms today. Not really sure what to do now that it’s almost 4pm. Don’t want to start SOTP2 until I get some feedback. Hate the idea of watching TV.

A little tired from staying up late too… maybe I will write after I eat dinner and just relax until then. Or read! I still want to finish that book.

89 pages in, a friend writes: "I felt like I did when I read the Hunger Games (fyi, your writing is A BILLION times better than her’s, but I’m comparing the way the story made me feel) – I couldn’t wait to get back to reading. " and "I’ve printed it out and read it like I usually read a Nabokov novel before bedtime. You have me enthralled. " and finally, "It's just your writing skills - some authors have a great story, but don't know how to get it across. Others know how to write, but don't have a decent story. You're able to slay both so far." Awesome compliments. I think I am gonna be rich and famous.

Day 21 journal

 

Not really a notable day. I ran, I worked out… had a good workout. I focused on writing a lot, got about 8200 words done on SOTP2. Didn’t talk much with anyone. A cousin of mine called me to say hi, that was nice. Ordered a tire too.

SOTP2 is coming along good, I feel a lot more confident with it.

Tired today, not sure why but my workout the last two days has been tough. Been really pushing myself though. Trying to eat better as I go. It’s a challenge.

Had the TV on for a bit today, but turned it back off. Don’t want to make that a habit. Need to stay focused. If I can finish SOTP2 by the 20^th (not impossible) I’ll be in good shape to get SOTP3 done by the time I leave the ranch. Not sure how distracting it will be when everyone else gets here, so I am dedicated to spending a lot of extra time on it.

I am trying to stay positive re: what will happen once I leave. I still don’t know where to go, further east? Settle down somewhere? Or do I go back to Pville? Or San Diego for that matter? Or, wherever. I feel like I can be anywhere and have it be the same… I am afraid to go back and have it not work out with the girl… Pville will drive me crazy then. So either I need to be totally over her when I go back or ready to fight fight fight.

Hard to say what will happen. 

Day 18-19 Spiritual awakening

Day 18 08-11-2012

I didn’t write much today. I spent a lot of time with with my 2nd cousin and his wife who will be gone in the morning. Going to miss them, it has been great having some company and reconnecting with family. Feeling kind of down that they are leaving.

Today I was focused and asked again for the name of the spirit that guides me and I got the full name.

I asked if it was a guide or my higher self, it is my higher self… my soul, my spirit guiding my body. I asked if it was an anagram for something and was told yes. he wouldn’t tell me what, so I figured it out. Made Aeon. Aeon being latin for “being” “life” “age” or “for eternity.” It fit quite well… my spirit chose a name that means “Made for eternity” I like that.

We connected and talked a bit today, he gave me a message to give to the girl which was, to write her intentions down, because it becomes one step closer to reality for a manifestation. I thought it was good advice. 

I did get a layout going for part 2 of my novel. Glad for that. Anyway, more reading then bed.

Day 19 08-12-2012

Today my higher self and I had some more conversations. I have questions for him too… need to really get good at the connection.

Talked to the girl this morning while I was having coffee. It was really great talking with her as usual. She commented that the advice that my higher self wanted to give her was the way that she manifested her business and so she’s been doing it. Proud of her. She is seeing signs already. J

I spent the day writing “The Three Kingdoms” it needs a lot of editing and help, but I did 16000 words today. Almost double what I have prior to now. Crazy how much I can write if I just do it all day. I am getting so good at this I can do something else, many other things actually, while I follow my thought flow onto paper. It’s getting easier.

My problem is that I want to go home to celebrate with the love of my life… but, you know? I don’t feel like I have a home to go back to. I feel sad about that. Not sure what to do about it… but I suppose, keep going the way I am going. Maybe I will manifest my home tomorrow.

So of my objectives for the man quest three are complete.

#1: Self discovery on the road, burying old baggage and resolving my failures. Check.

#2. Write a novel. Check.

#3. Become 100% self. Check.

Now just two novels to go, and resolving the feelings I have, one way or the other and I am done. If I write 15000 words a day, I can write those two novels in 10 days. How cool would that be? J

Day 14-17: The period I finished my first novel

Day 14 Journal

Today was a good day. Near the end of my book and wrote about 6200 words with a couple thousand more in me before I go to bed. I had a good run today, and lifted my rocks trying to manifest positive things in my life. I start with manifesting business success for my ex's spa… then go into physical health and finally, finally success writing books.

I talked to my ex again on FaceTime… she was really kind of sad today. She is stressed out about her business, so I gave her a little pep talk and then started hunting for stylists in her town who I could contact and send them her way. I want her to be happy…

Nothing else to say today. 9000+ words though J

Day 15 

Book finished. J 71000 words. Going to read through tomorrow! Woot! J

Day 17 Journal

Half way done with editing and modifications of the book. Going well. Nice to read instead of write for a while.

Went out this morning to do some sniper training at 539 yards! Super fun! Destroyed the Larue target on my first shot. Centered and perfect. A few others were a little outside, but we were trying to compensate for changing winds and then went for the head. Got a headshot on my first try too. J I really like it. Want to learn more now. J Really connecting with my 2^nd cousin and his wife. Good people. I’d like them even if they weren’t family, which I can’t say about all of my family unfortunately. 

Finished editing today and sent out a copy to my ex. Haven’t heard back from her about anything though.

I also sent a draft to another friend since she is my best contact to the writing world and expecting some feedback soon. I plan on doing a re-write when I get some good stuff to go on. Not sure if I want to continue on with the second book or start something new for a while. I guess we’ll see tomorrow. I already got one good compliment, that my prologue was perfect for the audience I am shooting for, so that is good. J 

I started reading Opening to Channeling, the one book I brought with me on my quest and had a spiritual epiphany that when my shadow wrote through my pen, I integrated with it, and as we manifested I began to integrate with my higher self as well. So I set out on a quest of self discovery, to put some things right in my head and become inspired. Crazy cool. J

While I was reading the book I asked the silence around me, "What is the name of the energy that guides me" I got back the answer, "...moen..." it sounded partial, and it was kind of strange. Not sure what to make of it. 

Day 12 and 13: The passage of time

Day 12 journal:

The last few days have not been what I expected. I got a total of about 4500 words written in the last two days and was extremely distracted by the events here at the ranch house.

When my cousin's arrived at the house, I was done. I really love my family and it was fun paling around the ranch with them. We went finishing, helped my uncle move out of his house, two days in a row and got to shoot a little bit.

My time with one of my cousins was calming and healing. She and I used to be really close there for a while, but for the last ten years we haven’t spoken or written. Catching up was fantastic, and I had forgotten how synced our lives seem to be. Of all our family, she and I are the two that break the mold the most. Doing what we want without worrying about what anyone else thinks. It was good to spend some time talking with her again after all these years. I really have missed her.

Watching Grandpa and Grandma leave today for what could be the last time, I was a wreck. It has been extremely emotional here at the ranch today. Everyone is clearing out tonight and I will be alone with my thoughts. It’s been a hard day.

The day never got any easier. After everyone left I wrote about 2000 words and spent the evening with my aunt and my 2nd cousin. We talked for a long time about the problems with the ranch, and ate dinner together… after dinner my 2nd cousin, his wife and I stayed up late discussing family and what this place means. I moved my gear into Dad’s room too… I kind of hate being in this room… not because of Dad, but because of my connection to it the last time I was here. My heart is heavy as I go to sleep.

Day 13 journal:

It is a quiet and lonely morning on the ranch. To think that 24 hours ago this place was bustling with activity, I have a hard time fathoming the depth of the silence. Imagining staying here through the winter, I get a profound sense of disconnection and loneliness. I love this place and the hearts that made it possible. But absent the people that I love, it doesn’t ring the same for me.

I think this feeling inside of me isn’t tied to the ranch so much as my family. It is nice to feel like I love them and that they love me… the ranch itself is very beautiful and serene, but feels empty without my grandparents, my father and my cousins. It is the love that binds us together as a family that is what I am longing for… that feeling of home. Hebrews 11:13. In our hearts as men we are all seeking a home. But there is no home for us on earth… our home is in heaven (paraphrased) so we will not find it in life.

I miss my family.

9000 words today though. Rounding the bend on this book. I see the end in sight and then can start the process of editing and re-writing. I really want to move on to the next book and keep this momentum, but who knows how it will go?

I chatted with my ex a little this morning; she has had a few rough days too… I am not sure what to say about it other than I tried to encourage her, but she hit the wall again. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but I feel bad for her. She did say some nice things to me… she said that she can feel me close to her, even though we’re afar… and that I warm her heart. I sometimes wonder if she is holding onto me out of fear of being alone… like she is not okay with me moving on while she seeks someone else. But that is fear talking… a fear I ought to crush! 

Day 9: The first 4 rules

Day 9 Journal: 

Before bed last night I wrote the first few rules of a man quest:

1^st Rule of a man quest: Focus on the man

2^nd Rule of a man quest: It’s personal, make it about you

3^rd Rule of a man quest: Lean into fear, it is your compass

4^th Rule of a man quest: Where you go is up to the road, there is no going back, keep moving forward.

Feel good about them. This morning I ran to the creek bottom and began my workout. I feel strong! I continued my hike to the lake and back. The whole experience took a little over an hour. Came back with a lot of good story ideas which I jotted down as notes for the next couple of chapters that I will write today.

I miss my girl today, but I am focused on the road ahead. I talked briefly with a friend last night about man questing and book length and found out that really, number of words and pages don’t matter as much as quality of content. I am aiming for 80,000 words so it is a novel instead of a novella. For now. I am about 36,000 words in. If I flesh out what I have so far, I could probably push it to 50,000… maybe. Maybe more like 45,000. So I will keep going, pushing ahead.

I also have a new philosophy, I am going to start each day saying, “What am I grateful for in my life and what needs to be done?” and also, “I am ready to attract abundance, success and love into my life today.” Just to get my started off on the right foot. 

Wrote 7500 words today and feel pretty good about it. Had a quick internet message with my girl earlier but no other contact… I don’t know how I feel about that right now… I hate the idea of her and I splitting up for good, but the distance is helping me somewhat.

Regardless, my life right now is fitness and writing. That’s it. So that is what it will be. MAN QUEST!

Day 8: Rhythm

Day 8: 08-01-2012

Today is my ex wife's birthday. I would have forgotten but facebook reminded me. I didn’t wish her a happy birthday, I actually just don’t care. Well, that's not true, I hope it is good for her... but it doesn't matter to my life anymore.

Been writing most of the day. Walked and ran 5.5 miles around the ranch which was great. Making huge progress on my story. My sister has been bugging me every few seconds, and everyone continually asks for my help with mundane tasks. Fixing a Tv, a VCR, helping open a bottle or a can… It’s like they know I am focused and working, but want to find reasons for their lives to pivot on my existence. Kind of irritated and looking forward to when everyone is gone.

Pretty tired tonight too, going to write as much as I can before sleep gets me.

The girl should have got her cake today… hopefully she liked it. She didn’t call though…

Scratch that. At 9:30pm I got a message that she wanted to talk. It would take her about 20 minutes to get home from where she was. She was buying her favorite ice cream and lit a candle for her birthday and I and her kids sang happy birthday to her. So she got to have her wish. J

I am happy that she liked her cake and her ice cream. Got to talk with the kids a bit and the girl and I talked for 50 minutes. 30 yesterday… we really get talking for a long time when we do. We did the whole, “Lost in each others eyes” thing again too… I told her I loved her and I missed her, it got a smile but she didn’t say it back… and she also said that she felt bad that I am so kind to her after she broke my heart… I don’t like that kind of talk. I like moving forward, not discussing the past.

What will happen? I have no idea at all. 

Day 7: Writing and walking

Day 7 Journal:

I left for Bozeman at 6am and realized that I had forgotten my wallet in the jeep. I felt like an idiot and had to turn around. No fun. I wanted to order a tire for my bike today, but I guess that will have to wait. I do have time… no rush there.

When I got back I was a little annoyed, no one had anything to talk about except where I was. Like it really matters? My family needs drama to thrive I suppose. Makes me like them less though.

On a happy (VERY HAPPY) note, the girl FaceTime’d with me this morning… just after waking up. For my money she never gets any more beautiful than how she looks first thing in the morning. Very naturally beautiful. I really miss her. We talked about my trip so far… got lost in each others eyes. I made her cry when I told her that I ordered her a cake online… I was going to keep it a secret, so she could be surprised… but I can’t keep stuff from her. I just love that girl… she is going to be impossible to get over. So I suppose the only thing to do is move forward and try to be the best man I can be… Full of love in my heart today for her.

We resolved the gun issue, Grandma thought my ex's sons got a gun jammed, but it turns out it was my brother's gun from a long time ago that has a magazine bolted in… apparently no one could figure out how to unbolt it so they sent it to get repaired. My family is a bunch of assholes sometimes.

My step mom has been rude to dad the entire trip, I am getting sick of it. Every few minutes she has orders. I really can’t stand her. They don’t watch their daughter either, I am left babysitting because my 1/2 sister gets bored and needs attention. I feel bad for her, since her parents basically ignore her.

My sister walked with me this evening, about a mile and a half, then we hiked to lookout point for about 10 minutes. I thought it was a mighty climb, until I saw a 7 year old do it. Funny how perceptions change.

Dad and I had a good talk tonight about politics and business. Nothing new for either of us, but nice to connect all the same.

On a side note as I go to bed, I wrote 9200 words today… about 25 pages in my novel. All with a 7 year old girl distracting me and being exhausted besides. Yeah, I am cool. J

Day 6: Love of a family

Day 6 Journal:

I woke up feeling calm today with a sense of peace in my heart. I believe that over time, the ranch may settle my heart. Being alone with my thoughts is definitely something good for me.

I ate breakfast, helped the caregiver sisters with the dishes and set off for a run. 6000feet (4500 higher than I am used to) and I am not quite adapted to the elevation. I was short of breath and got dehydrated quickly. So I went about 2 miles. I found some river rocks to complete my triceps, squats, lateral raises and did abs back home. I need to venture up to the lake later and see about rowing for upper back. I think rocks will work for biceps tomorrow, chest I can get with pushups and I can stay fit while I am here. When my lungs adapt to the elevation I think it will be a lot easier. Swim, row, run… triceps, biceps, chest, back and shoulders. Since the workouts are less intense (with less weight because of the rocks) I may exercise every day. At least, walk and hike.

I also have bungee cords from my trip which I can use for some resistance training if I need to change up my workout. I am feeling good about it. One thing though, I am having a lot of carbs pushed on me in the form of candy, bread, pie etc. So I need to resist as much of that as I can… or step up my workouts afterwards. I think cardio twice a day might be more conducive to what I am trying to accomplish.

I got over some writers block last night and continue on with my story. Only about 1000 words written, but I think that if I step it up while I am here, by September I can have the trilogy done. I need to center and stay focused as to why I am here. I am here to train, to grow and to become whole. This is not a vacation. So I am putting myself to work… spraying weeds, helping move furniture and maybe do some ranching work down the road.

Listening to my grandfather talk today is sad… he is preparing for his death. Making changes to this will this morning, thinking of his children and the ranch that he will leave behind. Money to the ranch… I don’t know how long that will keep it running, but I wonder how many more summers I will be in this place. The girl I love never got back to me yesterday and I wonder if she is trying to put me out of her mind… or what? I don’t know. What I do know is that beside her bed she has a picture of the house I am staying in… so she knows where I am at. She does love me, so I should not worry. I just miss her, a lot. It’s strange, when you become accustomed to someone to talk to, not having them there is very hard.

I am going to miss my grandfather.

Later in the day I am up in my room writing, and the girl calls me on video chat to check in. As beautiful as ever… but kind of distant too, not like the first few nights she called me. We talked about my writing and her birthday. I don’t expect her to show up here at the ranch… but I really wish that she would. Its not the same without her here. Nothing is.

While writing, I hear my grandmother talking outside the window to my grandfather, discussing his will and the grandkids. I heard my name a few times… and how Grandpa has given tens of thousands of dollars into the education of the other grandchildren. 

I shouldn’t be upset about it; they earned their money and can do what they want with it. But a part of me feels a little let down. Why wasn’t I worth it to them? I don’t like this feeling much.

Tonight my father arrived in the RV. My step-mother put on her princess show as usual, ordering Dad to unload the RV. Dad actually apologized to me for not being a good father, he said he was not strict enough and should have done better. That was a surprise. My step mother was obviously annoyed and acting mean to Dad. She didn’t bring in his tooth brush after he brought in a bunch of her stuff.

Dad and I talked a lot about my quest, and the ride to the ranch. He was impressed with me, and amazed. He admitted that no one else he knows has the guts to do what I did. It made me feel good. He also made several suggestions on what I should do next… one was, live at the ranch for the next six months through the winter and write, get the solitude I want. Other parts were to go and develop housing in one of the many boom towns in the area… make a fortune. Or work there and make good money too. All of it seemed interesting… I don’t know what I’ll do. I am in a great position to stay… to just live here at the ranch. I don’t know what I have to go back to… 

Day 5 and beyond

From day 5 until day 31 I spent my time in Montana at the family ranch, much of it alone. I was very introspective and used this time well to write novels and feel a connection to the universe around me... the solitude was an amazing experience, and made the 1700 miles on the back of my tiny bike seem easy.

Day 5 journal:

Last night I had a dream that I was dying… I felt a sense of peace about it. It was a strange dream, like none I have ever had. I also had a dream that I was exploring old ruins… an old ship and an old castle where someone had written famous poetry and rode that fame until their bones were dust. Sort of reminds me of my past relationships.

Today I got to sleep in though, and spend some time with one of the caregivers to my grandparents. We talked and I got the sense that there is something that I am going to learn from her. 71 year old medicine woman of the Shoshone tribe, a woman of strong character and grace. I have always felt connected to her in a way, and believe that while I am on this quest, she is going to teach me something about myself. I was delighted to hear that she and her sister would be staying on at the ranch through the end of August.

I thought a lot about my quest today, and girl I left behind. I am crazy in love with her, and I know that distraction won’t be leaving me any time soon. I need to focus though. I re-read what I had wrote so far in my story… took a long walk around the ranch and thought about how to proceed. My mind is heavy with the memories of being in this place with her though… and it won’t be easy for me to let it go. But, in order to win that heart back I have a lot of distance to cover yet. 100% whole person, believing in myself, motivated, purposeful… connected to my world. I have to become that man I set out to be. I have to write as well… and then, once I am centered, I will have my shot I suppose.

I am afraid about the future a little bit… I don’t like being away from the girl I love either. Not one bit. But I must steady myself, I have no home to return to until I am the man I set out to be. Must stay focused, and NEVER give up.

Day 4: A place to rest

Day 4 journal:

Today started off strangely. I awoke outside and for a second wondered where the hell I was. As my memories started coming back to me, I realized that it was my ex's birthday. 6am Pacific time was early, but I sent her a message anyway.

I began to gather my things and load up my bike going through my morning routine. I lubed the chain, loaded my bags, stowed my gear and waited for my host to wake up. We rode our bikes over to the farmers market for breakfast, which was awesome. Afterwards we left my bike at the Motorcycle Repair shop and went off to run errands around town. We moved a truck, I rode his dirtbike around (which was not very forgiving on my arms, too much vibration) and helped him accomplish some things he needed to do. My host got a ticket, running a red light which he blamed on me distracting him. I think he was looking to feel better about his mistake, but whatever. Done is done.

I spent about 3 hours in Missoula trying to track down a tire. Store after store told me they would be weeks out ordering one. I was beginning to get stressed out, thinking I was stuck until my ex girlfriend sent me a text message back. It brightened my day immeasurably. She thanked me for her birthday presents (which I have given her before I left) and helped me steady myself and pray for the outcome I want. I began calling around myself (since my host and the owner of the shop were no help) and found the one 100/80-16 tire in Montana which was at a shop in Helena. My host did a quick check of my bike and noticed my tire pressure was stupid low… oops. That explains my tire problem. He pumped them up for me, gave me some last minute pointers about adventure riding and off I was wishing them well. The 115 mile ride to Helena was slow! I was on a dangerous front tire and took it real easy. My body ached, and as I descended into Helena, I was deeply satisfied. I located the dealership quickly enough and got my tire replaced.

The guy at the dealership was pretty cool. He gave me a deal on the tire and installation (still $160!!!) and got me on the road. We talked about adventure riding and traded some stories. It was nice to inspire another stranger with my passion for life. I sure like the influence I am having on the world around me.

Back on the road, I drove as quickly as I could… down to Townsend, 70 miles away from Helena. I filled up on gas and had another quick conversation with my ex via text that lifted my spirits of the final push. Arriving at the family ranch, I felt relief. Sitting here in the place where I spent so many weeks of my childhood I feel at ease. I know I have a novel to write, and that in my quest, the ride is the easy part… so begins the next chapter of this quest.

An interesting revelation today… I was talking to my grandmother about my childhood and she was telling me about how when I was a kid, she knew what kind of man I would grow up to be. I was fascinated by this… because she could see the differences between my brothers and I as we grew up. How we would be… She said I was always so sweet and nice, very polite. She said that people loved me wherever I went, and so I loved people. I don’t know when that changed for me, when my fellow man was worthy of only my disdain, but I find it curious. On this trip, I feel connected to other riders, people in other parts of the country and of course, to the girl back home. I think I was let down too often by other people… and this caused me to start disliking them. I want to find my love for them again.

She also said I was always happy to help with whatever work that she had given me as a kid. I guess I should expand upon the virtues of my childhood and be sure to work hard while I am feeling passionate about things in my life. Hold onto the fire.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I feel like all this time in my own head is helping me resolve a lot of issues in my life. 

Day 3: A long hard ride

Day 3 Journal:

I woke up in LaGrande early and set forth on my journey. I backtracked a bit and headed north through Walla Walla Washington. The ride was pretty and quiet… I wore my riding suit finally, and it kept me super warm. I also noticed that it took some of the stress off my butt as I rode. I would like to wear it more often… but it gets warm pretty quickly out in the world in the summer. I covered a lot of ground, quickly and ended up in Spokane at 11am. I thought about looking up my uncle, but changed my mind… also thought about visiting a friend, but I realized I just don’t care. Some people are of value to my life, old friends and acquaintances are almost useless. So I continued on… I asked God to help me have the fortitude to be the kind of man that I want to be… and powered through.

I stopped at Lake Coeur D’Alene where I took a girl long ago and her dad to dinner the night I asked her to marry me back in 2001. 11 years later I stood in the spot where I was too nervous to ask… when later I would ask her on her fathers front porch. I stood there for a long time staring out at the water wondering why I even asked her. I came to a few realizations here… the first is, she and I had been having a pretty good relationship up to that point… a lot of fun and excitement traveling around. But I wasn’t ready to get married. The pressure I got from her, her family, the church and my family is what made me ask… not feelings of love.

I also thought about the night I asked her. She got in a fight with her step mom and we ended up leaving in the middle of the night. Every day after that got progressively worse. Eventually she and I stopped being intimate… she would always say that she felt guilty since we weren’t married. I really ended up miserable in that relationship… and ended up subconsciously blaming it on marriage. Fast forward to my marriage and I realize that I was projecting a quality woman on her… and after we got married the fantasy slowly gave way to reality. She was not worthy of me, not worthy of my love… She was a parasite who attached herself to me to take care of her… whether or not she thought she loved me, or I thought I loved her; she was with me so I would pay the bills, and I was with her so I could play the hero. Ultimately our marriage failed… but honestly, it was a failure from the start; Another sub-conscious reason to hate marriage. These two relationships are what gave me a bad idea of what marriage really is… and frankly, my fear of it driving my last relationship apart (marriage, that is) was grounded in a subconscious premise that was false… marriage had nothing to do with my failures, it was the premise I set when I decided to be with those girls… the hero trying to save the wretch. Fuck… that is messed up. Never again.

After leaving Coeur D’Alene, I powered through on worn tires to Missoula. I drove into town through two Thunderstorms and in pain; I tracked down the guy who was to be my host (from ADVRIDER). He worked in a motorcycle repair shop where I met him and I was promised that I would get a tire changed in the morning. We drove back to where he lived, which wasn’t his house, exactly. He lived in a camper parked on the street. The house belonged to a nice woman, and she housed 4 other people there. The guy and I went to Flathead Brewery where we met some of his friend and had a fun time talking about all manner of adventures and topics. That night I slept behind the house on a couch under an unfinished shed and watched another thunderstorm roll on through. I actually enjoyed the accommodations, sleeping outside, listening to the town around me and the thunder… I thought of the girl I left behind as I drifted off to sleep.

This is where I slept

This is the lightning storm

Day 2: To the city of my birth

Day 2 Journal: Today I got up early in Klamath Falls. The weather was cool but I opted to not wear my riding suit. I got my things loaded up in about 15 minutes, and hit the road. I got many praises at gas stations for my journey… many more handshakes.

The long straight roads out to Bend Oregon were painful… I was freezing, bugs were dying by the score upon my face shield… it was positively miserable. When I got to bend, I decided I needed a workout… so I found a local snap fitness and ran through my Thursday routine. When I got out of there the weather was a lot warming so I took out my coat lining, switched my gloves and headed on towards La Grande, the city of my birth. The small town of Moro is worth mentioning. I got in a conversation with a shop keeper there while drenching my shirt and bandana for the ride. She loved that little town and we talked about how old towns keep their charm. It was a cool spot. I’d like to return someday. Eventually I hit Highway 84 and followed along lake Umatilla for 80 miles or so, then climbed back up into the hills.

At a rest stop about an hour outside of LaGrande, I talked with the girl I love for a bit via text message. She told me about how well her business was doing with renters finally coming in for the Salon. I was so happy to hear it, her success is extremely important to me, and her stressed about her business weighs heavily on my mind. She thanked me for believing in her…

 After a long day of riding, I descended into LaGrande. I got a room at the Moon Motel on Adam ave. unloaded my things and went off to seek the home and hospital where I was born.

706 A Ave was a little challenging to find, but I did it. The house was empty… no one around. The street was quiet and charming… and I spent a moment reflecting on the life I might have lived had my family stayed in this town. That was the place where the programming started… where I would see my parents love each other, although I don’t remember it. Where I would meet my older brother for the first time… and where I would leave without memories to California where I would be raised.

On my way back out to Adam Ave. I saw the Grand Rhonde hospital and drove up to the place where my life began. This small town holds no memories for me but the answers I seek may start here. My life began in the town where I sit now and write this journey… at one point, this was my home; The place that it all began.

I ate dinner in town… and came back to the motel to write and got another video chat with the girl. We talked for close to an hour, periodically interrupted by her youngest son's stories of the games he is playing. I love that kid. It is nice connecting with her, growing closer to her again while getting further away.

She said to me tonight that the town feels empty knowing that I am not there… I am head over heels still. Not getting over her anytime soon, so I’ll do it the hard way… become the man I need to be to win her back, or die on the road trying.

The revelation I had today was that at the beginning, I learned what relationships ought to be like. Walking where I was born gave me an insight to what my parents might not have known about raising children or working out a relationship. They never communicated well… so I guess it was a matter of time before their divorce. 25 years was a good run, but ultimately my first concepts of relationship were based on a premise of failure.

Day 1: To Klamath

Day 1:

On the day I left on my quest I began to think up the rules I was going to follow for the experience. I was prepared to break all the rules in order to achieve my purpose, that of ascending to the next level of manliness and spiritual growth, but I thought that a solid original premise would help me along the way.

1st Rule of a man quest: Focus on the man

2nd Rule of a man quest: It’s personal, make it about you

3rd Rule of a man quest: Lean into fear, it is your compass

4th Rule of a man quest: Where you go is up to the road, there is no going back, keep moving forward.

What I came up with were the 4 rules of man questing. While your individual quest, with its unique purpose might be different for you, remembering these four rules will help you process your experience, and keep you from running back before you're ready.

The first rule is to Focus on the Man. It is easy to let your mind drift, and make the purpose about the girl, the dog, the life behind you... whatever. But this quest is about you, it's not about anything else. Every decision you make on the road should be to maximize the experience, not cause you to look backwards.

Which leads me to the second rule. It's personal, make it about you. Easy enough, right? Don't make the quest about something that it isn't. If you decided to leave everything behind you and go out into the world, then you need to understand that the only constant in your world is that it is you who experiences it. Things will change, you will grow... and in the end, you will be left with you. It's about you, remember it.

The third rule, lean into fear, it is your compass. This is an important step, because along the way you will receive warnings about places to go and places to avoid. But understand that this is fate telling you what you must face. For me, I was told that I would not survive the mountains of Colorado, and like a moth the flame, I rode as hard as I could into the mountains, to face my destiny and become one with the fear.

The fourth rule: The road guides you, you CAN NEVER GO BACK the way you came, that is giving up. The only road is the road ahead. The past life you had failed you, if the road ahead puts you in the town you started at, fine... in some cases, that is necessary, but for the sake of the quest, backwards is not a direction that will serve you. Always be looking forward, until you have completed your quest.

Day 1 Journal: I spent the better part of the morning getting my bike ready. My brother was there and helped me figure out how to pack everything. Unfortunately I had to leave behind a lot of the things I had wanted to take (including a sleeping bag). Yes, this man quest is going to involve a lot of sleeping without a bag... in warm clothes, on the cold ground. Fortunately, I did find room for my 30 degree riding suit, which... while armored and uncomfortable, is now my sleeping bag.

I rode from Placerville up to Paradise California where I was going to meet some friends. Unfortunately they were not around to see me off. However, at a foster's freeze while plotting my route, I met a transient man who seemed like he could use some food. I asked him to join me for a burger and in return I wanted him to tell me a story.

The man's tale was tragic... he had become homeless after losing the love of his life to cancer. They had been married and they had fought it together. After a few years, she lost the battle.... broken hearted, the man left his house and all of his belongings and started living on the street. 6 years later, it is all he knows. I saw pain behind his brown eyes. He did not like recalling the events... but thanked me for the burger all the same. I never got his name.

When I rolled into Red Bluff for some fuel and water (I drink a LOT of water) I saw a hippy couple sitting on a corner with a gas can, too timid to ask for help and everyone around them uninterested in their plight. I asked them if they needed help. They responded to me that they did, 2 gallons of gas to get them the rest of the way home. I obliged and paid for their gas. They wished me well on my journey and shook my hand. I've had a lot of people shake my hand so far on this trip... inspired by my journey.

I ended the day in Klamath Falls Oregon, some 400+ miles away from where I began. I was tired and it was dark... in no mood to find a bench to sleep on, I broke my first rule and got a motel room for ~$30.

I also enjoyed a video chat on my phone with the girl who had broken my heart. We talked for a while… flirted over the phone a bit. I went to sleep happy. That girls eyes, even from 400 miles away know how to look right through me. I feel like the conversation pulled my heart in reverse somewhat... But it was unbelievable comforting to know her thoughts followed me on the road.

One thing I was told before I left to be alone on the road was to listen for God when he tries to speak to me… I really think I am starting to get what that means, to really hear it. 

Pre-Quest thoughts:

First off, welcome to my blog! 

So the premise of this blog is the man quest. In our culture we don't have much in the way of a rites of passage and I believe that it is something that we lack. For a man, pretty much the closest thing we have is going away to college or moving out of the parent's house for the first time. So the imagery is something that fascinates us and tugs at the hearts of all men when we see it in movies or hear stories. 

The man quest, in essence, is the journey a man undertakes when something in his life either has changed (or needs to change) in an epic way. For some, this may be the loss of a loved one, for others it could be a big reset button on your expectations for your life. The epic journey of redemption and self discovery. This is the man quest.

Personal Background:

For me I have been battling some demons in my life. A few years ago I met a girl who changed my entire outlook on life, love and all my goals. I came out of a rough marriage into a state of self discovery and while I wasn't ready right away, I could not resist the pull I felt with this girl. She was so kind to me and treated me with respect and compassion. It was easy to fall in love with her. We were friends for a long while before anything more happened between us, building the foundation of an experience that I would name the greatest treasure of my life. 

I cannot stress this enough that this was an earth shaking romance that completely consumed my heart. For me, no other girl would do. The breakup came on the heels of losing my job brought on by the distance created by a breakdown in communication (which has a lot of details that I won't describe). There were other reasons... there always are. In the eight weeks since the break up, we have spent a lot of time talking about these reasons and resolving them... in fact, we've never been more open with each other.

I felt like I had my emotions under control and I could give her the time she needed apart from me, being her friend while working on myself so that when the time came, we'd both be ready for an even better relationship... one that would last forever. The collapse came when I got a call that my dog (from a previous relationship) had died... and the emotional landslide overtook me. All of the sadness I had felt came with a vengeance, and so my heart tried to run home... to where it felt safe and loved. I attempted to create a reality for myself where she and I were together again... I pushed, and only pushed her away. 

Feeling alone, I had an epiphany; that it's time I took my manhood back. Stood up for myself and what I believe in... it's time to hit the reset button and outrun these demons. It's time for a man quest. 

The Quest:

I have a few rules for myself. 

1) My method of transportation is motorcycle (In my case, a Kawasaki Ninja 250 I have had for 3 years). Although this is the beginning method, it may not be the ending method. I want to be flexible. 

2) Write every day (on a novel I am working on)

3) Workout 5 days/week (like I have been doing for the 7 weeks prior to the quest)

4) Don't come back without a good reason 

5) Lean into my fears, use them as a compass. 

6) Don't pay to sleep (meaning no hotels). 

If I need money, I will work... the journey is what is important, not the destination. My wish before I go is that my heart will find its way back home... but I have no idea how life on the road, sleeping on the cold ground, fighting the weather will change my expectations or outlooks. It will be a lot of time to spend in my own head. 

I leave in 4 days.