Day 5 journal:
Last night I had a dream
that I was dying… I felt a sense of peace about it. It was a strange dream,
like none I have ever had. I also had a dream that I was exploring old ruins…
an old ship and an old castle where someone had written famous poetry and rode
that fame until their bones were dust. Sort of reminds me of my past
relationships.
Today I got to sleep in
though, and spend some time with one of the caregivers to my
grandparents. We talked and I got the sense that there is something that I am
going to learn from her. 71 year old medicine woman of the Shoshone tribe, a
woman of strong character and grace. I have always felt connected to her in a
way, and believe that while I am on this quest, she is going to teach me
something about myself. I was delighted to hear that she and her sister would be
staying on at the ranch through the end of August.
I thought a lot about my
quest today, and girl I left behind. I am crazy in love with her, and I know that
distraction won’t be leaving me any time soon. I need to focus though. I
re-read what I had wrote so far in my story… took a long walk around the ranch
and thought about how to proceed. My mind is heavy with the memories of being
in this place with her though… and it won’t be easy for me to let it go. But,
in order to win that heart back I have a lot of distance to cover yet. 100%
whole person, believing in myself, motivated, purposeful… connected to my
world. I have to become that man I set out to be. I have to write as well… and
then, once I am centered, I will have my shot I suppose.
I am afraid about the future
a little bit… I don’t like being away from the girl I love either. Not one bit.
But I must steady myself, I have no home to return to until I am the man I set
out to be. Must stay focused, and NEVER give up.
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