Day 12 journal :
The last few days have not
been what I expected. I got a total of about 4500 words written in the last two
days and was extremely distracted by the events here at the ranch house.
When my cousin's arrived at the house, I was done. I really love my family and it was fun paling around the
ranch with them. We went finishing, helped my uncle move out of his house, two
days in a row and got to shoot a little bit.
My time with one of my cousins was
calming and healing. She and I used to be really close there for a while, but
for the last ten years we haven’t spoken or written. Catching up was fantastic,
and I had forgotten how synced our lives seem to be. Of all our family, she and
I are the two that break the mold the most. Doing what we want without worrying
about what anyone else thinks. It was good to spend some time talking with her
again after all these years. I really have missed her.
Watching Grandpa and Grandma
leave today for what could be the last time, I was a wreck. It has been
extremely emotional here at the ranch today. Everyone is clearing out tonight
and I will be alone with my thoughts. It’s been a hard day.
The day never got any
easier. After everyone left I wrote about 2000 words and spent the evening with my aunt and my 2nd cousin. We talked for a long time about the problems with the ranch,
and ate dinner together… after dinner my 2nd cousin, his wife and I stayed up late
discussing family and what this place means. I moved my gear into Dad’s room
too… I kind of hate being in this room… not because of Dad, but because of my
connection to it the last time I was here. My heart is heavy as I go to sleep.
Day 13 journal:
It is a quiet and lonely
morning on the ranch. To think that 24 hours ago this place was bustling with
activity, I have a hard time fathoming the depth of the silence. Imagining staying here through the winter, I get a profound
sense of disconnection and loneliness. I love this place and the hearts that
made it possible. But absent the people that I love, it doesn’t ring the same
for me.
I think this feeling inside
of me isn’t tied to the ranch so much as my family. It is nice to feel like I
love them and that they love me… the ranch itself is very beautiful and serene,
but feels empty without my grandparents, my father and my cousins. It is the
love that binds us together as a family that is what I am longing for… that
feeling of home. Hebrews 11:13. In our hearts as men we are all seeking a home.
But there is no home for us on earth… our home is in heaven (paraphrased) so we
will not find it in life.
I miss my family.
9000 words today though.
Rounding the bend on this book. I see the end in sight and then can start the
process of editing and re-writing. I really want to move on to the next book
and keep this momentum, but who knows how it will go?
I chatted with my ex a
little this morning; she has had a few rough days too… I am not sure what to
say about it other than I tried to encourage her, but she hit the wall again. I
don’t know what’s going on with her, but I feel bad for her. She did say some
nice things to me… she said that she can feel me close to her, even though
we’re afar… and that I warm her heart. I sometimes wonder if she is holding
onto me out of fear of being alone… like she is not okay with me moving on
while she seeks someone else. But that is fear talking… a fear I ought to
crush!
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